What Are You Feeling?

From Reclaiming Our Days, Meditations for incest survivors, by Helena See, A Fireside Parkside Meditation Book,1993, page for December 1:

" 'Feel the feelings.' 'Release the pain.' What do these mean? How do we do that exactly? We're lucky if we can even identify the feelings we're having, since we're so used to stuffing and ignoring them.

We keep the tears and anguish so bottled up inside that suddenly we can't hold them in any longer. We cry uncontrollably, or rage spontaneously, or tremble in fear, or wake up sweating in the middle of the night, or get hysterical giggles over nothing. These are the body's way of releasing pent-up feelings. We can help stay in balance by letting these out regularly rather than waiting until we explode.

We don't need to be afraid of releasing these feelings. We have so often confused the releasing of the feeling with the feeling itself. But there's a huge difference. The feeling is something we carry with us, that gnaws at our gut. It's always there, sometimes in our awareness. Many times we are only aware of it when it has built up to the exploding point.

Releasing these feelings helps us heal. It's built into our human system as part of the hardware; it's how we work. Release doesn't cause the pain; holding it in causes the pain. Releasing is healing.

I will welcome the healing of my tears, rages, trembles, and laughs."


Learning to recognise what I am feeling has been some of the hardest work that I have done. It isn't finished yet. I still sometimes don't recognise my feelings for what they are. Sometimes I still can't tell you what I am feeling especially in times of stress. Sometimes when I get a headache then I know I am resisting what I am feeling. The headache is my body's way of getting my attention.

Do you always know what you are feeling? Do you know when you are resisting feeling? How do you handle stress? Do you recognise stress in your body? Where do you feel stress?
Patricia

Help Getting Through The Holidays

I have two lists that I want to share with you in case you are a survivor who has trouble remaining sane as you struggle with getting through the holiday season. The first comes from Colleen whose blog Surviving By Grace is one of my favorite survivor blogs. You will find the list "How to Help A Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse" at the following link:

http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-to-help-survivor-of-child-sexual.html

Stay and spend some time reading some of Colleen's other articles about her courageous journey through breaking her silence about child sexual abuse. You might also be interested in reading the article that I wrote about Colleen's book "The Third Floor Window" and then buying her book to read for yourself. The link for my article is at the following:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/09/out-of-my-comfort-zone-third-floor.html

You can order Colleen's book through her blog or through Amazon.com. I felt like Colleen was telling my story.


The second list that I want to guide you to comes from Grace Davis and her blog which she calls State of Grace. Grace's list is called "An Adult Child Abuse Survivor's Guide to the Holidays". The list starts with a very important suggestion of "DO NOT ABANDON YOURSELF." You will find the rest of the list at the following link:

http://gracedavis.typepad.com/i_am_dr_lauras_worst_nigh/2009/11/a-child-abuse-survivors-guide-to-the-holidays.html

Be sure to read the comment section too. You will find more additions to the original list in the comment section. Join me in checking out the rest of Grace's blog while you are there.


I appreciate the support of these ladies and their lists. Their suggestions can make for an easier, more joy-filled holiday. Thanks.
Patricia

Shutting Down To Get Through The Holidays

Thanksgiving and Christmas can bring up many emotions for an incest survivor. Dealing with family members that you may not see other than those two holidays can bring up any unresolved issues and memories of past abuse, especially if the abusers are still alive and at the family activities that most people participate in during these two holidays. Some of us, to be peacemakers during the holidays, pretend that the abuse never happened. You don't want to upset anyone else with your emotional garbage when Thanksgiving and Christmas are supposed to be such happy times. You don't want to be seen as a Scooge because you can't pretend to be happy. You try to let go of your anger, once again, to appear normal. Sometimes you just want to be happy so bad that you pretend that you are for a little while. Holidays are when you miss the most the family that you never had as a child so you pretend.

You don't want everyone else to think you are crazy because you can't stand to be in the same room with the person who raped you. Afterall, all of that was years ago when you were a helpless kid. What most people don't understand is that the second you step into the room with your abuser, especially if it was your parent, you become that helpless kid again. The fear comes back full blown along with the rage that you carry with you as an adult. Both emotions can cause a volatile situation that you don't know how to deal with. You become so scared that you forget that you are now an adult who can protect her/himself. (Yes, incest does happen to little boys too, just not as often.)

Many times, in order to get through the holidays, you just shut down. It doesn't matter how many times that you tell yourself that you won't shut down this time. You still do it when your emotions become overwhelming. Shutting down is an emotional response that your mind uses to protect you until you are strong enough to deal with the situation and people involved. It probably saved your life when you were a child. It kept the body alive until the mind could cope. Sometimes coping is all that you can do to get through this holiday without really going crazy.

What I have just described was how I got through many holidays as a young adult. I don't shut down today. Today I am strong enough and brave enough to face my demons head on. Writing this blog helps me to do that. In remembering, I don't continue on in those old ways. What I accept, I can change. Today, if I find myself starting to shut down, I have another option. I can choose to leave physically. I can choose to feel what I feel. Fear, rage, sadness can all be part of my emotions during a holiday or any other time of the year. So can happiness, joy, peace, excitement, love. All of those are acceptable to me today. Today I can deal with my holiday memories from the past and talk about them with my support system of family and friends. I thank God for each of my support members.

This wasn't the article that I just sat down to write but it is the article that typed itself onto this page. Hopefully it will help someone else get through the upcoming holiday of Christmas by letting you know that you aren't alone with your struggles with family.
Patricia

Thanks Giving

Whether or not, you live in the U. S. which is celebrating its national holiday of Thanksgiving today, the Fall which is harvest time is a great time of the year to think about what you are grateful for in your life.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two times of the year that I usually spend more time with family. Thanksgiving I spend with my inherited family---my inlaws. I love everyone of them and appreciate that they accepted me into their lives 37 years ago when I married into their family. I especially love and like my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law who I have so much in common with. They bless my life with their love and friendship.

This week I am giving thanks for the many friendships that have blessed my life. Some of those friendships are very old and some are very new. Some are online. The computer has opened up my world to an incredible degree. I have many things to be grateful for in my life. Remembering those people and situations makes my life more joyful. How you choose to live your life really begins with your attitude.

No matter where you live, make sure that you go through today with an attitude of gratitude. Have a glorious day of Thanks Giving. You life will be better for it. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Patricia

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009

November 19 was World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. It was also the day that Marj aka Thriver posted the "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009" on her blog Survivors Can Thrive. My previous article "Calm" is featured in this Blog Carnival along with 34 other articles.

Marj aka Thriver is the organizer as well as this month's host for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I very much appreciate the work and time that Marj puts into running this Blog Carnival.

You can find this month's "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009" at the following link:

http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/11/blog-carnival-against-child-abuse.html

I hope that you will follow me to this link and read all of the articles that were submitted this month. If you are an abuse survivor, I warn you that some of the articles may be triggering for you. Marj has the following words at the beginning of the article:

"TRIGGER WARNING Child Abuse is an horrific reality in our world today. Understandably, reading articles about the abuse of children can be triggering. Please take appropriate care while perusing the carnival."

Prevention of child abuse is the topic for this month's Carnival. Thank you Marj for hosting this month's Carnival.
Patricia

Calm

I don't really have a lot to share today. I just wanted to let you know that for the past two weeks I have been in a place of calm. I told my Al-Anon sponsor the same thing in our talk on the phone yesterday. She told me that, knowing me, she knew that I wasn't running away or ignoring any major issues. That acknowledgment by her felt good. I am just in a place of calm, not the calm before the storm that I used to imagine it as, but a place of real calm. No issues are disturbing me right now. It is a time of rest and renewal of my energy and emotional health. Breaks are good for you when you are a survivor. You can't always be working on your issues. There is a whole other world to explore and other people to enjoy contact with. I no longer feel guilty for the breaks that I sometimes take. I deserve the time off to enjoy life. So do you.

During this break, I am still going to my Al-Anon meeting and my Grief class. Even they haven't brought up any issues for me the past two weeks. I know that could change later today or even tomorrow and I could be back in full growth/moving forward mode again. Until then I will enjoy the fiction books that I am reading, the movies that I have been watching and any other type of play that comes my way. Part of my journey means enjoying the breaks when they come along. All of life doesn't have to be hard. Enjoy.
Patricia

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: October 30, 2009 Edition

In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law blog is hosting the "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: October 30, 2009". Lynda L. Hinkle is the author of this blog. Her subtitle says her blog is about "Child Welfare Law And Advocacy, Advancing The Rights Of Children And Giving Children A Greater Voice In The Legal System." Thanks, Lynda for hosting this month's Carnival. I hope that my readers join me in checking out the articles that were submitted for the Carnival Against Child Abuse for this month. The link is following:
http://inthebestinterest.blogspot.com/2009/10/blog-carnival-against-child-abuse.html

My article "Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims" is included in the Carnival for October.
Patricia